My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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Me: Same.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
tell em, edith-anne
every. time.