Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to