[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
accurate
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.