A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Steam Forums
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.