It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.