a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
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I see your IQ test came back negative
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.