CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie