Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no