*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.