*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.