Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.