Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia