I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”