Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
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5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
life finds a way
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”