Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.