[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
You Might Also Like
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street