I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I鈥檓 angry, too
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 馃憤
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I feel I鈥檝e done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
i hope my email finds you on fire
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She鈥檚 been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I鈥檓 not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.