[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.