And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Just so funny
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport