My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Why are bridges so flammable.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.