I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Writing, She Murdered.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back