Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…