You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*