Finally!
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.