the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
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*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The government even made aliens boring
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*pronounces surface like Versace*