3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.