“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.