(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.