MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.