Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
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If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
look at me when i’m typing to you
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.