The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
He took my last fry, your honor
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.