The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good