REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.