Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.