Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
You Might Also Like
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.