*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?