You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?