*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.