My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”