My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
You Might Also Like
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”