Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
There are no pants in heaven.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.