Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
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Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
What even happened today?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.