It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
favorite tropes as memes
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
adam and eve had first world problems
o shit
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.