My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I am all good here, 😂😉
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”