If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Just why bro?!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
🍞🦆
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”