Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you