My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying