All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”