[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
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You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
This one’s “Alex”.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…