The Struggle
You Might Also Like
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.